I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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