i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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