I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
