i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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