I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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