the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
