You're my little dorito
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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