Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
