OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
dude i'm inner monologue high
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
