So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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