I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
