the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Randomize
