I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Randomize
