got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
