Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
