Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
