omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
