Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
