shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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