He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Randomize
