I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Four minutes until I can fart!
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
