so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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