I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
