There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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