hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
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Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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