Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
