just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
