put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
