today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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