Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
