I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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