I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
