i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
