Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
