I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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