Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
zippers are such a cool invention
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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