omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
