Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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