Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
