you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
