i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
