and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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