I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
