At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
