I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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