You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
