is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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