new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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