I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
