I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
