I can tuck mytits in my pants
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
