he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
