When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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