just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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