I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
