I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
