I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
