I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
