...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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