that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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