her facebook's as public as her vagina
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
