Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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