tonight lets celebrate not being married
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
