I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Betty ford says i'm here all night
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
