glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
